Link: http://travis.kroh.net/archives/003090.php
I went home to visit my parents this week, and my Dad sent some MREs home with me. Now, for those of you who've never had the pleasure, allow an Army Brat to introduce you to what Uncle Sam gives the boys to munch on...
Surprisingly, for as "Give 'em Hell! Be a man!" as the military is, you'd expect the food to be bland, nasty, and just plain unappealing. Granted, MRE stands for "Meal, Ready to Eat" (that's military for "shut up and eat it, I don't give a damn if it's cold"), and they're "shelf stable" (that's military for "several years old"), but they taste... awesome. The meal I'm about to enjoy, as you can see, is CHICKEN ALA KING. Side dishes include CRACKERS with PEANUT BUTTER and some PEACHES. For desert, there's some MAPLE NUT CAKE and CharmsTM candy. To drink, there's some "BEVERAGE BASE POWDER, LEMON LIME" (that's military for "Lemon/Lime Kool-Aid"), and COCOA BEVERAGE POWDER (that's military for Swiss Miss).
Nummy. That's real chicken, peas, celery, and other (unidentified) veggies. I haven't the foggiest idea how old it is, but it's delicious.
Yeah, it tastes like Kool-Aid.
Yeah, it tastes like cold Swiss Miss.
Now, they give you a spoon, but they don't give you a knife. That's okay, though, because the packet the peanut butter comes in (like the rest of the dark green envelopes, cleverly camoflaged lest the food be discovered!) is metal lined with plastic. Works just fine for spreading.
PEACHES, DRY. "Eat dry, or reconstitute with cold water. To reconstitute, cover peaches with water and wait until soft." You don't say! I wouldn't have thought of that.
These kinds of directions are known as "GI Proof," meaning there's no possible way to fuck it up. Everything in the military, from peaches to rocket-propelled grenades, either has directions printed ON it, or has a manual hanging off of it.
I've eaten them dry, and I've eaten them "reconstituted". To be honest, it doesn't really matter. They never actually get "soft," but something does develop that could be legally called syrup.
And finally, each meal comes with a little bag-o-goodies. This is ACCESSORY PACKET A. Here, we see Uncle Sam's further devotion to beverage enjoyment for all, as you get some COFFEE, INSTANT TYPE I with SUGAR and CREAM SUBSTITUTE, DRY, NON-DAIRY, FOR COFFEE OR TEA. For those who may wish to enhance the gormet taste of their meal, you get IODIZED SALT and a wee little bottle of TobascoTM. You also get a book of matches: "These matches are designed specifically for damp climates but they will not light when wet, or after long exposure (several weeks) to very damp air." And after you use said matches to light 'em up, you get some Army-green Chiclets, lest you offend the enemy with smoker's breath. When you're finished, you can clean up with the supplied Wet-nap, and because all good things must come to an end, you also get some toilet paper. The supreme forethought and planning involved in this inclusion has always amused me.
