"The probability of the original input list being in the exact order it's in is 1/(n!). There is such a small likelihood of this that it's clearly absurd to say that this happened by chance, so it must have been consciously put in that order by an intelligent Sorter. Therefore it's safe to assume that it's already optimally Sorted in some way that transcends our naive mortal understanding of "ascending order". Any attempt to change that order to conform to our own preconceptions would actually make it less sorted."

     - Intelligent design sort, a sorting algorithm based on the theory of intelligent design

"If you could take any object in the world and put it somewhere, what would that object be and where would you put it?"
"Me, Britney Spears."

     - Wes Cherry, author of Solitaire for Windows, during a Q & A

"The problems we face will not be solved by the minds that created them."

     - Bumper sticker

"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there’s an impassable frontierpost across it. So many roads once; now so many cul de sacs."

     - C.S. Lewis, after the death of his wife

"The perfect race car crosses the finish line in first place and then falls to pieces."

     - Ferdinand Porsche

sterano: Whats the difference between Raid_0 and Raid_1?
Steve: In Raid_0 the zero stands for how many files you are going to get back if something goes wrong.

     - from bash.org

"We believe in winning. Remember the beginning of Patton, when George C. Scott stands up in dress uniform and says, 'No son-of-a-bitch ever won a war by dying for his country -- he won it by making some other poor son-of-a-bitch die for HIS country?' That sounds pretty obvious to us, but it's not the only way you can think about war....
If the Shi'ites wrote the script for Patton, George C. Scott would get up and say something like, 'Go ahead and kill us -- you'll be sorry!' We're talking about a martyr culture here, where dying makes you stronger. You know, that shouldn't be so hard for us to get, because we've got Christ, who won by losing, by dying. But that was a long time ago, and it's so prettified by now that Mel Gibson had to make a whole movie to remind people that martyrdom actually hurts."

     - War Nerd, Shi'ite! Holy Shi'ite!

"I think that if anybody was looking for the quickest path to the presidency, they would not say 'I want to be an African-American man named Barack Obama.' I do not think that is in the handbook for running for president."

     - Barack Obama, after Geraldine Ferraro commented that his campaign success was due to his being black

"Saying that Hillary has Executive Branch experience is like saying Yoko Ono was a Beatle."

     - Kos commenter, Jsn.

"She probably doesn't even know she's dead."

     - Lisa, talking about Tamra's late great-grandmother

"Now that the white man had found the islands, he wasn't about to go away. A horde of British, American and other European visitors descended and it wasn't long before the Polynesian population was marginalized, subjugated and force-fed the joys of Christianity."

     - Tony Long, on the discovery of Hawaii

"Why do they ring those bells on days other than Sunday?"
"Because they have mass on days other than Sunday. They have mass every day, and some people go to mass every day."
"I shudder to think... I was going to say 'There but for the grace of God go I,' but...."

     - Nicole and I

"Those who don't understand Unix are doomed to reinvent it... poorly."

     - Unknown (Henry Spencer?)

"We're saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should be able to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from air bags and batting helmets. Just think of it as passive eugenics."

     - George Carlin

"Uhm, are they like, Christian rock, or are they just Swedish?"

     - Nicole, while we were watching a Hammerfall video

"Wow. They're burnin' through a lot of ammo.
Speaking of which, I need to buy more."

     - Me, while watching Die Hard IV with Jeff

"He told me that masturbation is imperialism."

     - Nick, referencing his Catholic father

"Wait. Travis is in a relationship, and he gets topless hugs from other women. I'm not in a relationship, and I don't' get any."
"Dude, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're not Travis Kroh."
"Well, in case it wasn't apparent before, it is now."

     - Nick, and Jeff discussing me hugging Melissa

"I'm sorry; if you were right, I would agree with you."

     - Robin Williams as Dr. Malcolm Sayer in Awakenings

"On two occasions I have been asked, 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."

     - Charles Babbage, the first Nick Burns

"I'll have to look into that because it was there, but now it's missing."
"Your scripts have a tendency to do that."
**obscene gesture**

     - Co-worker on the phone, and my commentary

"He wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."

     - Lyndon Johnson, summing up his feelings about a Kennedy aide

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

     - W. C. Fields

"No, he's a developer. I'm a System Administrator.... I'm the shepherd, he makes the sheep."

     - Jeff, to some girls in a bar, trying to describe what we do

"Glory? Can't you comprehend the simple act of humanity? How were you raised, anyway?"

     - MacGyver, upon rescuing a foe in Humanity

"Helicopter controls are decidedly not orthogonal."

     - The Pragmatic Programmer, Hunt and Thomas

"Is that Benny Hinn?"
"Yeah, who is this guy?"
"He's a preacher who started out in Orlando, I dunno where he is now. My aunt use to go to his church... Before she turned Jewish, of course."

     - Nicole, and I while I was watching a Benny Hinn video on YouTube

"You can look at practically any part of anything manmade around you and think 'some engineer was frustrated while designing this.' It's a little human connection."

     - xkcd

"Did she get a Wii?"
"No, dude, she's dead. And the last thing you do before you die..."
"You see the ring?"

     - Jeff and I discussing the mom who died not peeing

"So, Trojan Condoms has been running a new commercial (maybe the first in a series), advertising their product with the tagline 'Evolve.' Now, I'm no expert here, for I am neither a medical professional, nor a biologist, nor intimately familiar with the inner works of the human female... but, I would think that Trojans are counterproductive to evolution..."

     - Paul

"We all pay taxes. Some people get health care others get dead Arabs. What am I going to do with dead Arabs? I would much rather get health care."

     - malcontent on reddit.

"You sound like Jackie Chan singing Henry Rollins."

     - Missy, after I tried impersonating James Brown

"Good job, NASA... I don't wanna know about some super-intelligent fungus growing on Neptune, I just want it dead. And while you're at it, do something about that iPhone before it gets a few more features and starts hunting John Conner."

     - Stephen Colbert

"Well, you have a weird uterus."
"I do have a weird uterus!"

     - Melissa and Nicole

"They are agile, he says, and... are not completely peaceful, because they do battle from time to time with other tribes, but their casualties seem small, and they fight when they are individually moved to do so because of some grievance, not on the orders of captains or kings."

     - Bartolomé de las Casas' History of the Indies, recounted in Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States

"It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."

     - Epictetus

"So, after waiting the requisite four months for health insurance to kick in, and then navigating the byzantine labyrinth which is the Blue Cross/Blue Shield and MeritCare Health systems, yesterday I spent an hour under anaesthetic having surgery on my ears.
And all I can say is Wow, the world is loud."

     - Mgr. Dave, in an email

I remember, while working as a developer in University, having to speak to Dave's right side, because that was the less hard-of-hearing side. Glad to hear of the improvement. (Get it? I slay me.)

"I don't mind if people don't like me as long as it's for things I am. There's plenty to find there. I do try to remain the person I would have wanted to become, from when I was 10 and when I was 20."

     - Steve Wozniak, on MeFi

"I wanna get into bow... shooting, or whatever you call it."
"Archery."
"Yeah, well, whatever Geena Davis does. Can't believe she's closer to a gold medal than I am--I ain't havin' that."

     - Rollie, and I'

"We didn't go in to Iraq because of terrorism. We have terrorists in Iraq because we went in there."

     - Jim Webb

"21 years I've been smoking marijuana legally provided by the federal government. And they still don't want to know how well it works."

     - Irvin Rosenfeld, one of seven remaining federal medical marijuana patients

"...people who are great at something are not so much convinced of their own greatness as mystified at why everyone else seems so incompetent."

     - Paul Graham

"I think my uterus is staging a revolt."
"So let it eat cake!"
"It wants babies, not cake."
"So let it eat babies."

     - Maddy, and I

"They're already selling 2007 planners. It's May! Do people really need to plan that far ahead?"
"Some people do. I'm planning five years ahead--I'm already looking at preschools."

     - Me, and Bianca, in Barnes & Noble

"I dunno, she's not taking the bait of my charisma as well as I'd like."
"Dude, do you ever listen to yourself?"

     - Me, and Jeff, about a waitress

"Give a man a fire, and keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and keep him warm for the rest of his life."

     - Seen in a .sig

"Our Motto--Don't call customers, no matter what."

     - A sticky on a customer's monitor

"I can’t really get a mental picture of the sort of people who design these kinds of systems. What bizarre pathways do their minds wander? The closest I can get is an image of an order-seeking system that is swamped by injected noise—some mental patients exhibit that kind of behavior. They try so hard to be coherent, rational, but in the end the complexity of the noise overwhelms them. And out pops gibberish, or frenzied thrashing, or xauth."

     - Olin Shivers, on the complexity of xauth

"That commercial made me want to buy sunscreen. They missed."

    - Jeff, after watching a Summer's Eve commercial

"Well just remember, boys: this is America. Just because you get more votes doesn't mean you win."

     - Mulder, in Three Words

"My second Travis quote [I remember] is, you saying: 'Dude, you're a smart kid, but your politics suck!'
And at first, I was like, 'Dude, fuck that guy!'
But, two years later, I was like, 'My politics do suck.'"

     - Jeff

"She was one of the contributing factors of me hitting puberty."

     - Jeff, about Claire Danes in My So-Called Life

"Making religion is like making sausage; you're probably happier not knowing."

     - The Rotten Library, Catholicism

"He who says he will die for a cause will probably lie for it and may kill for it."

     - John McCarthy

"His computer will be fine; I prayed about it."
"I don't think God cares about computers."
"If God cares about my relationship, He cares about this computer."

    - Nicole, and her mom, after she accidentally spilled water on Suw

"Do you have a significant other?"
"Uhmm... not in the widely understood definition of that term."

    - A woman, to Mulder in Chimera

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

     - Douglas Adams

"The historical record strongly suggests you stand a better chance of surviving an inferno armed with a chemical fire extinguisher than with a rosary. 'He' might move in mysterious ways, but chemistry is reassuringly predictable."

     - The Rotten Library, Firewalking

"Your logic is flawed, but whatever."
"It is not flawed logic! It works fine for me! I could teach a class in flawed logic."

     - Me, and Nicole

"Oh, right. You only like movies with..."
"...cute guys..."
"...and recycled plot lines."
"I do not."
"Yes you do."
"Name one movie I like that has a recycled plot line."
"Name one movie you like that doesn't."
"Titanic."

     - Me, and Mindi

"A few months ago, Newsweek published a horribly gushing cover story about iPods, and one of the authors referred to the iPod's "shuffling your library with the expertise of a Las Vegas blackjack dealer." Given my experience at both Las Vegas blackjack and the iPod "shuffle" feature, I can only hope to find a table that has the kind of consistency found in the shuffle feature: I would be a very wealthy man."

     - jtl

"Being really good at C++ is like being really good at using rocks to sharpen sticks."

     - Thant Tessman

"Dude, I wanna' meet your sister."
"Your funeral."

     - Me, and Paul (with a seriously straight face that would have impressed Johnny Chan)

"Yeah, but she's pretty pissed off at you right now, so, before you ask her to work for you, why don't you start with 'I'm sorry.'"

     - A paramedic on his cell phone at Subway

"Tommy's kids have more trouble with car engines than most people do in a lifetime."

     - Some guy standing in line at Arby's

Normally, I'd have some humorous quip here, but this guy is just a dumbass. (And not because he was wearing socks with sandals.)

"Are you that insecure about your sexuality?"
"Yeah... well, no, I'm more insecure about Travis's."

     - Chuck's wife, and Chuck's response shortly after Chuck chickened out and refused to kiss me

"NASA has planned, designed, developed and successfully landed a rover on Mars in the time this game has been in development. So much for deadlines."

     - Ray O'Neill, on Duke Nukem Forever

"...but I don't have any interest in her at all, you know, I mean, she doesn't know what 'parse' means."

     - My friend Nem, about a hot bartender

"How can a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25" television set?"
"... apparently you don't get it, sir...these sunglasses block out 100% of UV rays."
"No, apparently you don't get it. This TV decodes digital video signals beamed from outer fucking space."

     - Ron White, talking to a Sunglass Hut employee

"One person on a bad tequila night is all it takes to tank a conspiracy."

     - David Serhienko

"Java is COBOL for the 21st century."

     - KevinMarks in #joiito

"There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all."

     - Peter Drucker

"Momentum was conserved..."

     - Jonathan Pikalek, describing a childhood experience involving his bike, his scalp, and the ground

"When this is empty, I'm hittin' you over the head with it."

     - Ryan, after I insulted his really, really, really, really bad beer

Later, while I was making this post, he said, "...and this is a pretty hefty bottle, I mean, it's not gonna' break if you hit somebody with it. It's definitely a 'blunt object.'"

Alternative definition of 3rd Normal Form:
Every nonkey attribute must be functionally dependent upon
the key, (1NF)
the whole key, and (2NF)
nothing but the key, (3NF)
so help you Codd.

     - William Perrizo

"It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need, and the Air Force needs to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."

     - A button on Judith's bag

"Don't meow at the cat!"
"Why?"
"Because he can't understand you!"
"Well you talk to computers in their native language and I don't make fun of you."

     - Me, and Nicole

"Conclusion: Given enough time, the proper resources, and access to some really toxic stuff, one can probably dissolve just about anything except Peep eyes."

     - peepresearch.org

"There are a lot of blogging tools available these days..."
"...and one of them is sitting right over there."

     - Me, and Neil (The Chair of SU's ACM chapter)

"Hey, where's the nearest flower shop?"
"Do I look like the fuckin' Yellow Pages to you?"
"Well, you weigh about the same."

     - Jason, and I, in the Service Center today

"...they're getting married in an outdoor rodeo arena, and after the wedding, he's going to ride a bull."
"I'm sure she's very glad to be called that."

     - Me, and Nic, while I was telling her about the wedding of a guy I know

"Is it weird to know the names of most of these bones because I've broken them?"

     - Jessica, while studying anatomy

"I watched Top Gun last night."
"Yeah?"
"That movie would be good if it were't for all the..."
"...Tom Cruise in it?"
"Yeah."

     - Ryan, and I

"i know exactly what an IEEE 802.3-compliant CSMA/CD-oriented combination RJ-45/BNC-style 10/100-BaseTX PCI 2.1-spec PnP NIC is used for and what it does, and i don't even know what my own spleen accomplishes for me."

     - Bobby Burgess

"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."

     - Philip K. Dick

Seen on the back of a Tshirt.

"I think the malt liquor gods are callin' tonight."
"Oh, you drink that shit every time you're like this."
"Every time I'm like what?"
"Whenver you wanna' drink beer that isn't imported it comes outta a 40-ounce bottle."

     - Ryan, before a beer run

"Women have horrible taste in men."

     - Editor John

"I wouldn't say a single word to them, I would listen to what they have to say. And that's what no one did."

     - Marilyn Manson, after Michael Moore asked him what he would say to the kids responsible for the Columbine tragedy

"It doesn't matter what you know if you don't care."

     - Jack Kemp

"Red meat isn't bad for you, fuzzy green meat is."

     - Jay Dyson's .sig

"...it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book. To supposedly 'remember what happened.' But its... it's not even really what really happened, it's what everybody thinks is supposed to happen. Because, if you made a book of what really happened... it'd be a really upsetting book. You know... in my humble opinion."

     - Angela, from "My So-Called Life"

Mine too.

"Hey, how much is a dollar's-worth of bits?"
"That depends on what order the bits are in."

     - Dave, asking me a question. Yes, we really talk like this. Frequently.

Shortly thereafter, I started laughing like a maniac, and added, "The answer, is eight. Get it? Shave and a haircut... two bits."

"One day, and that day is coming soon, a creative artist will use the weblog world to distribute a musical meme, good music, a catchy tune, and then sell a CD with a high-res scan of the same music, and that will undermine the smelly assholes [of the media corporations] and their cronies, forever. Say goodbye. That's their Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future. Bing."

     - Dave Winer

"People in the front, just so you know, if you lip-sync to the songs on the record that never came out? I know that you bootlegged it. And Lars Ulrich is waiting in the van outside.... Does anybody sympathize with that guy? No, he sucks. Cuz he's gonna' be out, like, one pair of Nike's."

     - Mike Doughty, former lead singer for Soul Coughing, at a live show

"How far do these people want to walk to breakfast?"

     - Architecture Prof. Milt Yergens referring to suburban people with 3,000+ sqft. houses

This one belongs to my friend Kate, who was an architecture major for a while, but I've quoted it often in conversation, and decided that since her site has been down for ages, I should post it here.

"You want her to be Kate Kroh?"
"No, I want her to be whatever she wants to be as long as she's my wife."

     - Travis Kroh (in context of his adoration of Kate Botello.)

This was on my friend Kate's site for ages, but Kate's site is gone forever now since her domain expired. The Kate we were talking about, though, has her own blog! More data to feed this long-lived obsession. It's recently come to my attention, however, that she seems to be already hitched. I suppose I'll just marry Nic, then. ;)

"I've never heard someone blast Dave Matthews before."
"If it's got bass, you can thump it."
"Is that subwoofer action I detect?"

     - Two guys at a gas station, gesturing to a car in the next stall, which was playing "Crash" loudly. [via Eve]

"You kept your book?"
"All the shit that I went through for that class? That book is a souvenir."
"Hey, I went through more shit than you did."
"How do you figure?"
"I actually tried last time."

     - Ryan and I, discussing CSCI 374, a class we took together. Twice.

"I think they should just line the sides of the road with Nerf."

     - Nic, on the drive to the airport

"A Frozen Banana kit? Yeah, inside there are instructions that say 'Put the banana in the freezer, fuckhead.'"

     - Nic, in Target

"I talk really fast."

     - Joi Ito, when I asked him how he possibly has time for everything he's involved in

"That does not go on the quote page."

     - Jeremy Zuther, following our attempt at humor gone awry

"This is like listening to Cheech & Chong trying to program."

    - Jeremy, while Dave and I were doing some java homework

"Form follows function. Everything evolves into a shape dictated by the demands placed on it. And no one demands more of schools than that they keep kids off the streets till they're old enough for college. So that's what they do. At my school, it was easy not to learn anything, but very hard to get out of the building without getting caught."

     - Paul Graham, on Why Nerds Are Unpopular

"Fried chicken brings glory to God."

     - Jeff

"You can really tell this movie was written from the male point of view."
"Why?"
"Because the guy is really sympathetic, and the worman doesn't make any sense at all."

     - Editor John and Ryan, discussing Chasing Amy during our Kevin Smith marathon

"Those days before I met you, girl, were like ice cream fallin' down on the shoes of my world."

     - The Wallflowers, "Up From Under"

"I used to think winter was okay. Now that I've visited tropical countries and know there is an alternative, I don't like winter at all."

     - Maddog

Kinda how I feel after seeing Texas and Florida in the "wintertime".

"...sweet-talk, but don't intimidate her."

     - RHCP, "Can't Stop"

"People who are so concerned about the unborn, quote unquote, and the life of a zygote, and yet they're willing to kill human beings, and completely, often, disregard the lives of actual children. There are many children existing on the planet already who could use that kind of love and dedication--as opposed to a bit of blood and tissue, which I think is a misfocusing of that kind of concern. And again, a lot of the people, of course, who are so staunchly against abortion rights are just fine with the military or the death penalty."

     - Ani DiFranco, about pro-life extremists

"I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us.... We need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us."

     - Franz Kafka

This is why I listen to Ani DiFranco and Counting Crows--the reason I listen to all of my sad bastard music--and fall in love with it like I would a spouse.

"Hey, it'd be cool if it could... well, nah, that'd be a huge security risk, and I wouldn't let that happen."
"Yeah, uh, way to keep an eye out for those huge security risks."

     - Me, and Jeremy, while I was discussing a script I wrote for the intranet

"Well, glad I'm trashed, at least."

     - Ryan, during our celebratory after-semester cheap whiskey binge

"You wanna' play?"
"Nah. It's actually more fun to watch someone else play who knows what they're doing than it is for me to play console games."
"You are the perfect roommate."

     - Ryan, while he was playing PS2 (said in front of Richard, who actually moved out when we were living together)

"The only thing that could make this day better... is Kentucky Fried Chicken."

     - Jeremy Zuther, on the last day of classes this semester

"Well, it's not like you're doing anything about it. Seriously, when was the last time you touched something heavy that you didnt need to move?"

     - Ryan, after I was bitching about how skinny I am.

"Well... my dad could beat up your dad. Actually, I reneg on that. I love my dad, but I think your dad would kick his ass."

     - Jeff, during an IM conversation

"There's some pizza out there, and some pop, so go eat it 'til it's gone."
"Yeah, the beer's on Microsoft."
"Uh, what's the drinking age in this state? We just got past one lawsuit, I don't want another one."

     - A Microsoft marketing guy, and the same developer, after the presentation

"Since I'm not from the marketing department, I'll tell you what really happened."

     - A Microsoft developer describing a bug that crashed his VisualStudio.NET presentation

"So it [mathematical induction] is perfect for proving theorems about integers themselves. The theorem that all even numbers are divisible by 2 clearly has a minimal case, namely 2, and each case (even number) clearly has a successor (the next even number). We could not use mathematical induction to prove that all hackers smell like pizza."

     - Peter Suber

"I don't wanna' live in France! French people live there! French people smell like cheese and hate Americans."

     - Dee, when discussing where we should live

"It's like going to a mechanic who's never owned his own car."

     - Nic, on male gynocologists

nummy fishy: i think i might do haiku every sunday. i enjoyed that.
kenickieTJK: Who's haiku? And can I have her Mondays?
nummy fishy: i literally just slapped myself in the forehead.
kenickieTJK: i literally just posted that to the quoteboard.

     - Jeff, and me in AIM

"There's a surprising amount of bladed weaponry in this house."

     - Mgr. Dave, about the house he shares with ~6.5 other D&D geeks

"My docs are on my desert island list... My docs, my Sony, Lauren..."
"...a good woman and a stiff beer?"
"There ya' go."

- Me, and Mgr. Jeremy, discussing shoes

"Years ago, Dan went to Bosnia on a special task force mission. He was sent there to help remove land mines. After going to a foreign country to denonate explosives and living to tell about it, this man died in practically his own backyard. Doing his job."

- Michele, talking about Dan Richards, who died on Sept. 11

"You look a little tired today, Kate."
"Hey, we didn't order that second round... at the fourth bar. She just brought them to us."

- Mgr. Jeremy, and Kate.

"Hey, mom. Guess you won't be going to that Elvis concert next week."
"What?"
"He's dead."

- Michele, shortly after she'd learned Elvis had passed

"Hi."
"I wish I was."
"Uh, okay that's a new one. Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I need help with a Word document."

- Me, and some middle-aged guy at the Service Center

"AHHHHHH!!!!"

- A guy running around in a banana suit in the Safari 7 movie theater parking lot, while he was being chased by another guy in a gorilla suit. Seriously.

"Last night, the kids were outside playing Manhunt, which is similar to SWAT, and it was all I could do to keep myself from running outside and asking if I could play, too."

- Michele

"I've got, like, 200 gigs of memory... and I've got all sorts of programs and stuff, I got Photoshop 7...."

- Random person bragging about their computer in the SC

"Do you want me to tell you the story about when a cow exploded on me?"

- co-worker Ty

This story was concluded with the sentence: "...so my mom, my dad, and this 80-year-old vet stand there laughing at me, while all I can do is cry cuz I'm a six-year-old covered in cow explosion."

"I always wanted to change the pledge to something more realistic:
'One nation, under no deity, with liberty and justice for those white-middle-to-upper-class men who can afford it.'"

- Michele, on the pledge of allegiance

"If you don't ask the right questions
every answer seems wrong...
...and I don't know how I feel,
but I wonder if you feel like me.
Do you ever get wrapped up
in the folds of my memory...
'Cause I like you
but I know you don't know it.
I like you so much
I talk to everyone but you.
And I wonder
what you would think of this little number.
Yeah, I wonder
what you would say if you knew?"

- Ani DiFranco, "Hell Yeah"

"You need a new environment. Go on a vacation."

- My fortune cookie last night

"You will be asked to adjust to a new environment."

- Andrea's fortune cookie

"Wanna' go on vacation with me?"

- Me, after reading her fortune cookie

"You like the weirdest lookin' girls. Imagine how that makes me feel."

- Nic, after we were talking about Sheryl Crow again :)

I catch so much shit for my appreciation of other people's beauty... from Ryan, from Nic... I tell ya'.

"It's really hard not to go up to an intern in the middle of surgery and say, 'Don't freak out, but you're doing that all wrong.' I try not to do it if the patient's only under local."

- A man talking to a group of men on the patio at Raleigh's [via Eve]

"You look like a photograph of yourself taken from far, far away...."

- Ani DiFranco, Untouchable Face

"Dakota knows my dirty secrets and still loves me."

- Missy

Of course I do. In fact, some of those dirty secrets are reasons why I love you.

"You're just mad because Alaska can support a winery."

- Supervisor James

"Unfortunately, humans are too intelligent to retain some of their instincts about parenting, and taking care of each other."

- My mom, after telling me about the robin that nested on our front porch, and how well she takes care of her kids

"I sure hope these are for system restores, and 'barely legal' refers to software licensing."

- Former manager Jonathan, while looking at some CD-Rs by the MMPCs

"Never give your heart away to some silly fuckwit."

- euh

"Why are you arguing with me? Don't you know I always want to be right?"

- Nic

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

- Lynn Lavner

"YES, this is my truck. NO, I will not help you move."

- Bumper sticker on the back of a Chevy pickup

"Being stupid would be great, 'cos God looks out for stupid people.... Stupid people are always happy; have you ever seen a stupid person who was sad? All the depressed people are always intelligent."

- Editor John, during a conversation at The Trentino

"Look what I got for my wife."
**holds up a CD-RW media**
"You're one romantic fuck, you know that?"
"Yeah."

- New Mgr. Jeremy, and I when I came into work this morning

"...and at first you feel violated, and then you realize: Hell, this is much more interesting than I am."

- Bono, on reading about himself in the papers

"Una semana más... Una semana más."

- My Spanish teacher, after Doug and I had been giving her a rough time (in a friendly way, of course) during exercises.

"Let's not talk about Sheryl Crow. I'm tired of talking about Sheryl Crow. I'm serious, I really am tired of this Sheryl Crow... thing."

- Nic, to me

"Somebody used that bell tonight. It didn't put me in a good mood, either."

- Co-worker Kyle, about the little bell we have up front, which we never actually put out, because people always ring it out of novelty

"Coffee, Paxil and Robitussin. The breakfast of champions."

- Michele

"When you can hear what you're thinking, that's called 'talking'."

- Darin, to Gary

"...kind of a social milieu?"
"I don't know what that means."
"That's okay, neither do I."

- Editor John, and Webdev guy Dylan

"I had three chest pains tonight."
"You're gonna' have one more in a minute."

- My dad, and my mom when he came home from the hospital at midnight

"No, we're not frickin' Domino's."

- Supervisor James, referring to a lady who somehow got the idea into her head that we had a guaranteed turnaround time of 15 minutes on plots.

That day, both the plotters went wiggy, and it took us about four hours before they were working again.

"They're British, like everything else that's good in life."

- Missy, talking about Mansun

"If you would like a transcript of tonight's broadcast, get a pen and write down everything I've said."

- Kevin Nealon, doing "Weekend Update" on SNL

"Message to all rioters: put down your brick, put away the spray paint, and leave the cop cars alone; you're acting like soccer fans! It's embarrassing."

- Jim Rome, on people who riot after winning a sporting event--a la Detriot in 1984 and LA in 2000.

"Your friendship coefficient is equal to the square root of x, when graphed as a function of the quantity of friends at any given time. Your friendship coefficient inversely defines the amount of free time available to you."

- Ryan and my Theory of Interpersonal Relationship and Free Time Management

"My motto, before it was 'Arrrgh, matey,' was 'Fuck 'em All to Hell. To Hell!'"
"My motto is 'What Would Bruce Willis Do?' And I suspect that right now, he would fuck 'em all to hell."

- Missy, and Fran

"I know you're supposed to be my steering wheel, not just my spare tire. So Lord I ask you to be my guiding force and truth."

- Arrested Development, "Tennessee"

"...but I suppose you wouldn't be able to make an LCD turn on and off that fast; you'd need something that could change state really, really fast."
"Females?"

- Me, and Manager Nick while I was talking about computer hardware

"Ahhh... Natalie Merchant."
**licks magazine**
"Those are words that can only come out of your mouth.

- Me, and Editor John while I was reading an AV magazine in the Spectrum office

"Every time I see you, I have a flashback to 'The Matrix', with the black leather jacket and sunglasses and all."

- My friend Doug, when I walked into Spanish today

My name... is Neo. (But I don't know Kung Fu.)

"...we'd get shot."
"I don't think they allow guns in there."
"I'm sure there's a lot of stuff in there that's not 'allowed'."
"Yeah, for instance... the workers."

- Me, Brian's friend Eric, me, and Brian, while sitting in the drive thru at Raliberto's Mexican Restaurant in Phoenix

"The truckers are getting smart and pulling off the road."
"Yeah, we're still young enough to know everything."

- Me, & Brian, while we were pushing through a blizzard in Iowa

"I'm so glad you're in love with my best friend. I get all the great side benefits of that."

- Missy, 07 March 2002

"Don't let your heart get broken by this world."

- Dan Bern, "Albuquerque Lullaby"

"I'd rather be poor in San Diego than rich in Iowa."

- Miti, to me while we were talking about the cost of living around the country

"Good art will never match your sofa."

- Fred Babb, "Go To Your Studio and Make Stuff"

"Good opportunity only knocks once, but temptation knocks unceasingly."

- Unknown

"How could this have happened, you ask? How does he do it? How does a regular guy like me become the No. 1 loverman in his particular postal district? He's grumpy, he's broke, he hangs out with the musical moron twins--and yet he gets to go to bed with somebody like Marie de Salle!"

- Rob in "High Fidelity"

"Sometimes Belle and Sebastian will come on the winamp right after Rammstein and I feel like I want to kick my own ass."

- Michele

"That was the first song I ever wrote, and It was about a very special woman who I asked to marry me very many times, and... and she said 'no' very many times, and, ah... I'm glad. Fuck 'er."

- Dave Matthews, after singing "I'll Back You Up" (1997-02-06)

"I don't care who she is, if I don't know her, she keeps her hands outta my drawers."

- Me, to Kate while we were at work.

Some lady (who neither of us knew) came into the Service Center, reached into one of the counter drawers, removed the master IACC keyring, and walked over to TLC, to let herself in. So I ask her, "Um, excuse me, but... who are you?"
Apparently, she just started at TLC, so her card didn't work yet.

"What the fuck? ...am I gonna' have to ration ramen?"

- Someone next door, to the entire fourth floor, upon noticing that they're out of ramen, and he only got one of them

"What I do know is that whatever happens, it'll be for the best."

- Me, to Kate

"God gave me a brain, a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

- Robin Williams

"I played golf. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'fore,' but I was too busy saying, 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"

- Mitch Hedberg

"It's a great place. Man, if you've only got one year to live, move there... Cuz every day feels like a fuckin' eternity....
I had a cow when I was a kid, though. My parents made me get rid of it when I got caught trying to feed it hamburger.... I guess cows don't believe in the four food groups... especially when they are two of 'em."

- Anthony Clark, on his hometown. Reminds me a little of every town in North Dakota

"I should do some java development."
"Oh, java can develop itself. It'll hit puberty on its own."

- Me, and Missy, while I was putting off homework

"You think I have an obsessive personality?"
"A little."

- Me, and Jeff

"I drink water like it's going to be taken away from me."

- Missy

"I dunno, I like being me."
"Well, Pete Yorn essentially is me, except he wrote the best album in the history of music."

- Editor John, while we were discussing what celebrity we'd like to be

"E=MC², you guys familiar with this? Well, that's not the only theory on gravity..."

- Dr. Mark Meister, the same professor of my Communication Research and Analysis course

When I was a kid, that was the theory of relativity, no?

"...that's another desk in the library you'll get familiar wi--the library is that big building over there...."

- My Comm. Analysis prof. on the first day of class

"This is Travis thinking, 'I'm happy, this can't be right.'"

- Jeff, while analyzing my thoughts on Nic & I

"Alanis Morissette stole Ani DiFranco's style."

- unknown stupid girl, to Jeff

"That means a lot coming from you."

- Peter, owner of The Trentino, after I complimented his espresso

"The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage dsposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world."

- unknown

A nod to Kate.

"Do I still love her?
Fuck no!
I would never date her now. Back then, I wouldn't date her now. But back then, to date her again. Yes.
That's comforting. I felt wonderful that day, and many of the subsequent days. Is this just an experience getting better with age?
No. At the time I honestly felt amazing, and so did she...."

- p2

"...you don't date 4-year-olds..."
"...you molest 'em."

- Ryan, and Ryan & Jared in unison, following a very 'taken out of context' conversation

It's worth mentioning that this conversation occurred in the midst of several hours of M68k assembly code.

"I confronted a much younger image of myself yesterday. And I almost ran over the little bastard."

- Keith Brown

"So because you have a test, we can't see Pete Yorn? That doesn't seem right. I thought you had better priorities than that."

- Editor John

"Top 5 artists who blatently suck, but you wouldn't kick them out of bed for eating crackers."

- Editor John, while we were making Top 5 lists

"See how talented I am, and you don't even bother to look & appreciate me."
"Not when you're juggling groceries."

- Me, & my mom in the grocery store

I juggle stuff in the grocery store a lot. Usually produce or canned goods. Jenny has also witnessed this. I can't not do it, I'm sorry.

"Birds don't eat gravy."

- Grandma T, with her standard saying that 'means nothing'

"The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

- Jean Giraudoux

"My mom didn't seem too appalled by you."

- Steph, after meeting her mother

"It's much easier to be bald than to not have any nipples."

- co-worker Kyle

"I'm going to see Neil Diamond on Monday night."
"On purpose?"

- Me & Jeff

"When a girl says she didn't take your sweater and burn it with her girlfriends on the 17th of July, and get drunk and have 4 boys cum on her face. She is lying."

- p2

Icky.

"You're yet another person with a brain!"

- Tim Reynolds, to me during a phonecall

"Oh. If I'd've known there was gonna' be two competent people here this morning, I wouldn't have bothered coming in."

- Supervisor James, after seeing me and Darrin at work one morning

"Well? She's not a journalist, she's a contributing writer."
"You know what else she is? Fired."

- Editor John, while looking over a poorly-formatted story submission

"It's no surprise that we get reports of people not being able to use these computers when they're not even qualified to operate a hole-punch."

- Manager Johnathan, while repairing the 3-hole puncher

"You should be who you are, even if you're just like everyone else."

- Jeff

"...I've always been intregued by women named 'B.J.'."

- Mulder in Aubrey

"What's anthrax used for? Is it a pesticide or what?"

- Some chick on a cell phone @ Moxie Java

You can't make this shit up. That's what she said. I wanted to say "Yeah... for really big pests, like... cows."

"Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."

- Winston Churchill

"Why's it so dark in here?"
"Because the lights aren't on."

- Melissa (Scully's sister), and Mulder in One Breath

"Life, sometimes it's better than mediocre."

- Michele

"Now what does it say about me that I'd rather skip to the heartbreak part than pursue actual possibilities?"

- Fran

"The one boy who really likes me turns out to be a demon robot."

- Willow, on my first episode of Buffy